Your kids are grown, busy and building their own lives. Here’s how to keep a strong, healthy connection — without hovering or disappearing.

Here’s the dream:

Your adult kids pop in for regular dinners, share their big decisions with you, text you funny memes and actually want your input.

Here’s the reality for many midlife mums:

• They barely text back.

• Visits are rushed between work, partners and kids.

• You feel like you’re either “too much” or “not wanted at all”.

Some days you worry you’re smothering them. Other days you worry they’ve forgotten all about you.

If you’re tip-toeing that tightrope between close and clingy, take a deep breath, my friend. You’re in good company — and there is a way through.

Redefining “Close” in This Season

When your children were small, closeness looked like:

• Knowing every detail of their day.

• Tucking them into bed.

• Sitting in the front row for school events.

• Managing their friendships and boundaries.

Now, your babies are adults. Closeness has to look different.

Instead of:

• Daily physical presence

• Full access to every thought and decision

• You as the central organiser of their world

Adult closeness looks more like:

• Mutual respect

• Honest, two-way communication

• Shared memories and new traditions

• Freedom for both of you to say “yes” and “no”

That’s the goal we’re aiming at — not perfection, but a healthy adult-to-adult connection.

1. Ask How They Like to Connect

We often assume the way we feel close is the way they feel close too. Not always.

Try asking your adult child:

“What’s the easiest way for us to stay in touch at this stage — quick texts, voice notes, a weekly call, coffee once a month?”

Their answer might surprise you:

• One child might love long phone calls.

• Another prefers short messages and memes.

• Another might like planned, in-person catch-ups over spontaneous drop-ins.

When you’re willing to meet them where they are (within reason), they’re more likely to open up.

2. Swap Interrogation for Curiosity

When we miss our kids, our questions can come out like inspections:

• “Why didn’t you call?”

• “Where were you last weekend?”

• “Are you still seeing that person?”

Even if our heart is just worried, it can feel like judgment on their end.

Instead, experiment with open, curious questions:

• “What’s been the highlight of your week?”

• “What’s something you’re excited about at the moment?”

• “How are you really doing with work/study/parenting right now?”

And then — this is the hard part — listen more than you speak.

You don’t have to jump in with advice straight away. Often, feeling heard is what makes them want to talk again.

3. Share Your Life Too

Closeness is not just about knowing everything about them. It’s also about letting them see you as a whole person.

That might look like:

• Telling them about a new hobby you’ve started.

• Sharing something you’re learning in your spiritual life or personal growth.

• Letting them see you wrestle with decisions in an honest, age-appropriate way.

You’re quietly modelling that adulthood is still a place of growth, change and possibility.

And as they see you stepping into your own life, the unspoken pressure on them to be your entire world begins to lift.

4. Update Unspoken Expectations

So many clashes between parents and adult children come from unspoken expectations, especially around:

• How often you’ll talk.

• Who hosts and pays for holidays.

• How often you’ll see the grandkids.

• Whether they’ll come home for every birthday.

If you notice resentment building, ask yourself:

“What expectation did I silently have here — and did I ever actually communicate it?”

Then, gently put it on the table:

• “I realised I was expecting we’d see you every Christmas, and that’s not realistic now you’re married. Can we talk about what feels fair for everyone?”

• “I’d love to see the grandkids regularly, but I also know you’re tired. What might be a workable rhythm for visits or video calls?”

Adult children are much more likely to respond well when they feel like collaborators rather than guilty kids.

5. Respect Their Decisions — Even When You Disagree

This might be the hardest part of all.

They may choose:

• A partner you’re not sure about.

• A job you think is insecure.

• A parenting style you don’t fully understand.

• A lifestyle or faith journey very different from yours.

You don’t have to pretend you agree with everything. But if every interaction becomes a lecture, they’ll pull away to protect themselves.

Some gentle guidelines:

• Offer advice by permission: “Would you like my thoughts, or do you just need me to listen?”

• Pick your battles carefully — not every difference is a hill to die on.

• Remember your own 20s and 30s… and how you learnt from your missteps.

Staying close doesn’t mean approving of every choice. It means loving them as they grow, not as you wish they’d be.

6. Practise “Prayer, Not Pressure”

For women of faith, this season can become a powerful time of intercession rather than interference.

Instead of:

• Constant texts trying to fix everything.

• Repeating the same arguments.

• Worrying yourself sick at 3am.

Try a quiet rhythm of:

• Praying their name and situation out loud.

• Releasing them into God’s hands again, and again, and again.

• Asking for wisdom about when to speak and when to stay silent.

Even if you’re not sure what you believe, you can still practise a kind of “loving release” — picturing your child surrounded by light, blessing them in your heart, choosing to trust that they’re not walking alone.

7. What If You Feel Shut Out?

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, one of your adult children pulls back. Maybe there’s old hurt. Maybe life is chaotic. Maybe they’re just in a self-protective season.

It hurts. Deeply, I know the feeling all too well at times, so can totally relate if you do too.

Here are some gentle steps you can take:

• Reflect honestly: Is there anything you might need to apologise for? (Not from a place of shame, but of maturity.)

• Offer a simple apology if needed: “I can see I’ve pushed too hard in the past. I’m sorry. I’m learning and I’d love another chance.”

• Keep the door open without chasing: “I’m here when you’re ready. I love you.”

• Pour into other connections in the meantime: spouse, friends, community, other children, grandkids.

You’re allowed to grieve the relationship you wish you had while still honouring the one you do have — even if it’s distant for now.

Building New Family Rhythms

The good news? Even small, intentional changes can slowly reshape your connection.

Consider:

• A monthly “family dinner” or brunch everyone can put in the calendar.

• A group chat where photos and jokes get shared.

• New traditions that suit adult lives — a yearly weekend away, an online games night, a favourite café catch-up.

Relationships are rarely transformed overnight. They’re built (and rebuilt) through dozens of small moments of trust, respect and kindness.

You’re Not Meant to Disappear

You’re not meant to vanish the minute the kids become adults. You’re still their mum. You still matter in their story.

But now, instead of:

• Running ahead to clear every obstacle

• Standing over them with instructions

You walk beside them — arms open, hands off, heart anchored.

You can stay close without smothering. You can be present without controlling. You can be honest without attacking.

One honest conversation. One brave question. One small step towards adult-to-adult connection at a time.

You’re doing better than you think, dear friend.

Until we chat again,

Blessing & hugs to you my dear friend,

Dianne xx