How to Love Them Deeply Without Losing Yourself

Hello lovely Lady,

There’s a special kind of exhaustion that comes from being a mum of adults.

Your phone never stops: “Mum, can you just…”
Your savings are quietly draining on “emergencies”.
You walk on eggshells, afraid that if you say no, they’ll pull away.

You adore your grown kids. You would step in front of a bus for them. But somewhere along the way, “helping” turned into carrying their whole life on your back — and you’re tired.

If that’s you, my friend, you are not crazy and you are not cruel for wanting boundaries. You are wise.

Let’s talk about what loving, healthy boundaries with adult children can look like.

Your Role Has Changed — Even If No One Told You

When our kids are little, we’re meant to:

• Set the rules.

• Decide consequences.

• Provide almost everything.

• Step in quickly when danger appears.

But once they’re adults, your job description changes.

You are no longer:

• Their manager.

• Their bank.

• Their emotional dumping ground at all hours.

You are invited into a new role:

Wise, loving adviser who respects that their child is now a full-grown human with their own responsibilities.

That shift is hard. Especially if you didn’t have good models growing up. But it’s absolutely possible — and boundaries are the bridge.

What Healthy Boundaries with Adult Children Really Look Like

Healthy boundaries are not about punishment or power games. They’re about clarity, respect and freedom on both sides.

They look like:

• You knowing what you can and cannot offer (emotionally, financially, practically).

• Your adult child owning their own choices and consequences.

• Conversations that recognise both of you as adults.

• Love that is steady, but not smothering or rescuing.

Unhealthy patterns, on the other hand, often look like:

• You saying “yes” when your whole body is screaming “no”.

• Sneaky resentment building underneath “I don’t mind, really”.

• Your grown child relying on you for things they could do themselves.

• Drama every time you try to set a limit.

Ready to shift? Let’s walk through some steps.

Five Steps to Set Gentle but Firm Boundaries

1. Get Clear on Your “Yes” and Your “No”

Before you talk to your adult child, get honest with yourself.

Grab a notebook and ask:

• What am I regularly doing for them that leaves me drained, anxious or resentful?

• What am I actually happy to keep doing — for now?

• Where do I feel taken for granted?

• What do I need more of: time, sleep, money, respect, space?

Write two simple lists:

• “Things I’m still willing to do.”

• “Things I am no longer willing to do.”

This isn’t selfish. It’s stewardship — of your health, your marriage, your calling and your finances.

2. Decide What You’ll No Longer Do

Typical “no more” items for many midlife mums look like:

• Paying ongoing bills for an able-bodied adult child who isn’t trying to contribute.

• Being on call for every minor crisis at all hours.

• Dropping everything to do last-minute babysitting that clashes with your plans.

• Hosting and funding every holiday by default.

• Listening to disrespectful outbursts without consequence.

Pick one or two areas to start. You don’t have to overhaul the whole relationship in a week.

For example:

• “From next month, I won’t be paying your phone bill anymore. Let’s talk about a plan for you to take that over.”

• “I love time with the grandkids, but I need 24 hours’ notice for babysitting unless it’s an emergency.”

Small, specific changes are more sustainable than huge, vague declarations.

3. Have the Conversation — Calm, Clear, Adult-to-Adult

This is often the scariest part. Here are some phrases that can help:

• Start with love:
  “I love you so much, and I want our relationship to stay strong for the long haul.”

• Own your limits:
  “I’ve realised I’ve said yes to things that have left me exhausted and resentful. That’s not fair on either of us.”

• State the change:
  “From now on, I’m not able to [pay this bill / answer calls after 10pm / have you stay indefinitely].”

• Offer what you can do:
  “What I can do is [help you plan a budget / talk tomorrow afternoon / offer two weeks while you find another place].”

• Hold your line without over-explaining:
  “I understand you’re upset. I’ve thought about this carefully and my decision still stands.”

Keep your tone calm, warm and steady. If the conversation gets heated, it’s okay to say:

“I’m going to pause this now. We can talk again when we’re both calmer.”

You’re not a bad mother for refusing to be shouted at.

4. Expect Pushback — and Stay Steady

If your adult child has been used to you fixing everything, they may:

• Accuse you of not caring.

• Bring up everything you’ve done wrong as a parent.

• Use guilt: “If you loved me, you would…”

• Go silent for a while.

This is painful — but it doesn’t automatically mean you’re doing the wrong thing.

Remember:

• Their discomfort is not your emergency.

• You are not withdrawing love; you’re changing the pattern.

• Growth feels awkward on both sides at first.

Talk to a trusted friend, spouse, mentor or counsellor as you hold your boundaries. You don’t have to muscle through alone.

5. Deal with the Guilt Voice

Most midlife mums hear a nagging internal voice when they set boundaries:

• “You’re abandoning them.”

• “You’re a bad Christian.”

• “Good mums sacrifice everything.”

Let’s flip that:

• Loving mothers tell the truth — including the truth about their limits.

• Responsible adults own their choices — including your children.

• Faith doesn’t call you to martyrdom to your grown kids’ wants.

If you have a faith, remember that even Jesus often slipped away from the crowds to rest, pray and reset. Healthy boundaries are not unloving; they’re an act of wisdom and stewardship.

Special Situations

When Your Adult Child Still Lives at Home

You’re allowed to have house rules, even for adults under your roof:

• Contribution to rent or bills (if they are able).

• Expectations around guests, noise and respect.

• Timeframes for how long this arrangement will last.

Again, be clear and kind:

“You’re welcome to stay here until March while you get on your feet. During that time we’ll need you to contribute $X a week and help with cooking and cleaning.”

This treats them as an adult member of the household, not a permanent teenager.

When You Rarely See Them — But They Expect A Lot

Sometimes the adult child who never calls suddenly expects:

• You to host and pay for every Christmas.

• You to drop everything when they do decide to visit.

• Unlimited gifts and childcare, even though contact is minimal.

It’s okay to gently reset expectations:

• “I’d love to see you, but that weekend doesn’t work. Let’s look at another date.”

• “This year we’re keeping Christmas simpler financially, so we’ll be doing smaller gifts.”

You’re allowed to honour your energy, budget and other relationships too.

Boundaries Are a Gift, Not a Punishment

At the end of the day, boundaries:

• Protect your health, marriage and calling.

• Invite your adult children into maturity.

• Clear away resentment so genuine affection can grow again.

• Create space for God to work in their hearts without you rushing in to fix everything.

You can love your adult children deeply and still say:

“This is where I end and you begin. I am for you, but I am not you.”

If this feels overwhelming, start tiny. One new sentence. One new “no”. One small change at a time.

You are not selfish for needing boundaries, dear friend. You are brave for even considering them.

Until we chat again,

Blessing & hugs to you my dear friend,

Dianne xx